End the frustration of passive-aggressive communications

One of the negative behavior patterns I frequently see in the client teams I work with is passive-aggressive communication.

This dance looks something like:

"You've got to get it done. I don't care what it takes, just do it."

"Fine." [if there's any verbal or written response at all]. Followed by doing nothing.

Aggressive tones come out when there are more problems than solutions. When the pressure's high, and the reality of not being able to get it all done is very real. It's a common challenge nearing the finish line of a big project. 

The passive response comes as a result of not feeling respected. This, too, contains anger. Often, this reflects the anger of feeling boundaries violated (time, priorities, personal work/life....any number of boundaries are in play).

In many ways, the passive response attempts to balance out the aggressiveness. The need to meet fire with ice. Yet both sides end up feeling disrespected.

The trick to shortcut that frustration is to communicate assertively. To respect one's needs and the other person's interests.

The same situation communicated assertively looks something like:

"I know you've got a lot on your plate. I'm responsible for completing this task by the end of the week, and I need your help. Will you have time?"

"It's not my top priority, but I know you're facing time constraints to get it done. I'll update you tomorrow based on what I accomplish today."

The difference between passive-aggressive and assertive exchanges is the respect each individual maintains for themselves and the other person. Using a format of statement and question helps do this: 

Statement of my needs + Question about your needs

It doesn't take more time to be respectful in the moment. Yet, it requires emotional awareness to prevent destructive behaviors.

Assertive communications happen when each person understands their emotions (in this case, anger) and the resulting behaviors (feeling a sense of time scarcity and, therefore, a high bias for action).

The best way to build this muscle memory in recognizing the emotion in the moment is to do it when there are fewer time constraints.

It's one reason why early team building is essential. It helps establish respectful communication exchanges. There may be a perception that these "soft" skill exercises waste valuable time. They're strengthening relationships and muscle memory so that the exchanges maintain respect later when the time truly is scarce. 

What are your communication style defaults? Do you notice anger influencing your communications and preventing you from building productive relationships with colleagues? How can you respond respectfully and assertively when someone chooses to communicate aggressively with you?

Bring more awareness to your emotional state to build assertiveness in your communications.