Emotionally Intelligent Change

Any parent knows two truths about children and emotions:

1. Young children express their feelings as they experience them. (i.e. a toddler who wants a treat and doesn't get it will show anger and sadness, regardless of where they are. But they always tire themselves out 😉).

2. The words associated with those strong sensations have to be taught. A child learns how to talk (or not) about these experiences from caregivers. Emotional concepts and words are highly culturally and environmentally contextual. The words I use for how it feels to fall off my bike are likely different than the ones you learned, depending on what we were taught. They are unique to the individual, as Lisa Feldman Barrett shares in her book How Emotions are Made.

After the early years, when emotions are felt and expressed as they occur, humans begin to apply socialization norms. Through interaction with others at school, play, and eventually, work, we learn the "rules" of emotions. What we are or aren't supposed to feel or say about our feelings. When we are--or aren't--supposed to talk about them.

In Western culture, some emotions are more accepted socially than others. Anger and joy are celebrated and shared, but sadness and fear are things we learn to hide.

That's a problem for organizational change, as fear and sadness are necessary to let go of what was and accept what will be. As Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified more than 50 years ago, the change curve is a natural part of the grieving process. 

What change leaders can do about emotions

The good news is that this is relatively easy to address. Change leaders can provide the words and model how to talk about emotions using a simplified version of the Emotion Wheel by American psychologist Dr. Robert Plutchik. Through all of my years working with organizations in change, this condensed version is easier to remember with just four emotional categories:

1. Fear
2. Mad
3. Sad
4. Glad

Within these emotional categories, there are other words to describe varying intensity levels. For example, in the emotional category of fear:

• Panicky
• Anxious
• Worried
• Overwhelmed
• Apprehensive
• Uncertain

All of these are forms of fear, and describe different states of intensity and arousal (feeling panicky is generally more activating and uncomfortable than feeling apprehensive). 

Note that these are just some words people may use to describe feelings. For the change leader, this isn't an exercise in precision. It's not about expecting individuals to learn how to use the "right" word.

Rather, by asking, "How are you feeling?", the change leader gives the individual a chance to name it. This is empowering, and allowing the emotion to be noticed and named generally allows it to subside within 90 seconds, which is the normal cycle for an emotional experience, according to neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. (Think back to your toddler days and how quickly most emotions subside).

For the change leader, noticing and naming the category as shared by whatever word used goes a long way to validating the individual. Words a change leader can use to do this:

• "I hear you describing fear. Is that accurate?"

Imagine the relief the individual feels by being understood in that moment! It is an effective way to strengthen relationships and build loyalty and trust.

Once the emotion subsides, the change leader can gently nudge the individual into action. 

• "Now that your fear has subsided, what would you like to do about it? How can I support you to learn more?"

The change leadership skill of Noticing, Naming, and Nudging emotions into action is called the 3N Influencing Technique. Change leaders who master recognizing emotions in the moment help accelerate change adoption and prevent change resistance. People are less likely to get stuck in a repetitive anger cycle, or become frozen and incapable of learning if they can't resolve a fear cycle.

Change leaders who consistently model how to notice and name their emotions help create a psychologically safe culture. This leads to stronger collaboration and problem-solving in teams. 

How we feel influences what we do, and when people recognize and own their emotional experience, they help themselves to address what they need to move forward. That empowering feeling helps them feel good about change.